Jason, loved the article- I thought it was pretty funny and very true. I'm still laughing a little about "default hot" and the stoners giving more money a lot of times than the obviously wealthy... thanks for writing it up, man. Be easy.

PERFECT. I delivered pizzas for a few years. Straight up truth you've written....and it was one of the most fun jobs I have ever held.

I just read this and everything was spot on. When I delivered pizzas if there were 2 drivers on we would argue over who would take the pizza to the stoners over the person who lived in the rich part of town. The best place tho was every month there would be a D&D thing at a local comic book store and they would always tip $25 on their order, guess a level 10 wizard needs to eat too.

I used to deliver pizzas during my senior year in High School, and I must say, this article hits pretty much everything on the head.

Hey, fuck you for number 4. If people are paying money, serve them what they fucking asked for. If you can't handle someone being mad at you because your workplace fucked up the order, watch out for real life. It gets a lot, fucking worse.

I am currently a pizza boy and everything you have said is true haha... From bath robes to huge tips from stoners, even the scary ass trailer parks it all goes down.

At the end of the day though I do love delivering pizza's, most fun I have ever had at work.

I tip 30-40%, and it's always in one dollar bills. Guess what I'm doing when I order pizza!
Is it that obvious?
XD

That's Delicio, not DiGiorno.

As a stoner who tips big, some of it is definitely questionable math skills (that seems to bleed into my sober life as well), but more than that I (as a fellow retail employee) know the huge effect the small things can have on people and take this into consideration while tipping. Also if I'm high and you're bringing me food I could hardly be happier with you, whoever you may be.

I have to wonder how much spit and nosenuggets lil' sk8er boi there has eaten over the years, he probably is That Guy that yells at waiters/waitresses when the kitchen screws up the order, too. Protip for you, Junior: lighten up, you'll give yourself an aneurysm one of these days.

Sk8erbitch. Bitching at a person who was not responsible for your screw-up is a good way to lose some teeth. This is why the world hates skaters. You haven't got a clue how to act like a proper human being.

My buddy was a driver back in the day. He said they were always on the lookout for "tips in kind", but I'm never really sure how to safely offer drugs to my delivery guy. Any suggestions?

I agree with Stoner

Most of this is right on. As for why we don't come in and enjoy a toke and pizza, I think I can handle this. When delivering pizza, we need a license. If we get pulled over for being stoned/drunk/high/whatever we lose the license and the car. As much as we would love to indulge in some of whatever you might be offering we are unable to because we are at work. If you invite us back later to your party we might actually take you up on it and you may end up with a friend that works at a pizza place. And that is worth its weight in gold.

Got that right on the rich houses. Got one where the people ran around trying to collect enough change to pay for the pizza. They had a coupon for maybe $3 off. I showed them on the coupon where it said "Not good on deliveries", they had to scrounge for 3 more dollars. Then I kept the coupon, handed it in with the receipts, and kept the $3.

Also, another house that habitually didn't tip...well, I had the flu, and I may have coughed all over it...Tip people!

As most have already posted I too worked at a pizza place back in school and yes these are all true...so very true.

A couple that I thought were worth mentioning:
1) Don't screw with the food preparers (sk8er take note). We NEVER "accidentally" dropped peoples' food on the ground when they treated us like crap, NEVER.

2) When there is a time discount involved, 12 min suddenly becomes 30 min. I was put on the phones on Friday nights to control the customers for this reason.

This was a blast from the past.

I was a pizza man for a few years, delivery boy in HS, then rana shop while I went to college, and still did deliveries occasionally. All of this stuff is so true, but its not even the half of it. The BS stories and complaints from people trying to get free pizza, the time I got robbed while delivering to a beach party, the creepy naked middle-aged couple who wanted me to "come in and join them", so many memories brought up by this post.

Oh, and "default hot" continues on everywhere you work, for the rest of your life, although when I think back to the 18-20yr old girls working in the pizza shop, damn, they were just plain "hot" in comparison.

@stoner - man I miss running into guys like you, especially on the last delivery of the night.

So leaving kids at home with pizza coming=bad

but

leaving kids at home operating an over=good

???

Jeremy,

I think his point was, use the money you're spending on delivery to hire a baby sitter...and just let the sitter cook up some frozen pizza.

I enjoy pizza.

i delivered pizza for a while and i have to agree that mobil home parks are the scariest places at night, ive seen 8year old kids sitting on swings(not swinging) at 2:00am, if that doesnt freak you out then your chuck norris.

matt - i think he meant that he got a $2 tip on his order, not a $45 tip. retardo.

anyway, being a former deliver driver, i must say the best tip i got was 2 oil cans of Fosters when i was working on new years eve. totally made up for the fact that i was working in stead of partying. also, i made $180 that night in tips. w00t!

Dreph thank you! I did plenty of delivering during college and plenty of smoke during... well... my entire life after 22 and I couldn't agree more. Admittedly I have tipped more than average on accident but when I'm really high I just want everyone to be in a super good mood. Including the pizza guy leaving with a contact buzz and a $8 tip on a $20 order. God bless chill drugs and compassionate people :)

Also this article was SOOOO on point you might as well be a sniper.

Thank you for this awesome article. I recently just had the fortune of quitting my job as a delivery boy at a local pizza restaurant after working there for about 6 months for something much better. The "default hot" segment def. made me laugh... was so true in our store.

When I was a pizza delivery driver, there were a few frequent customers that always wanted me to stay for pizza and beer. I would love to, but I was still on the clock and did not want to drive drunk.

Also, to the guys who offered a toke on the last run of the night, while I would have liked to, I was still on the clock, and the boss is waiting for me to get back so he can count the money and go home. If I took too long getting back, I would have been fired.

Great read.

This slice is for you!

In case you wondering, the sudden rush of traffic after two months is because this made the front page of Digg :D

I tip nicely because I know some fucker will tip the police off if I don't.
You already confirmed this by saying you spit and sneeze on pizzas for people that don't tip well so why wouldn't you call the police on someone?

I'm sorry you delivered pizzas bro. I guess you gotta pay for that lexus your delivering them in some how

This was a very entertaining and funny article. Brings back a lot of memories. Thanks for writing some high quality legit stuff here.

I agree with Stoner 1 and 3 but not Stoner 2

I was a pizza delivery guy. Anytime a toke was offered I took it. Didn't need to be the last run of the day either. I think I was high the entire time I delivered actually. Why not?

Rich people always tip bad.

Stoners tip well because they probably delivered pizza before and know that 20% should be the bottom of the tip range for delivery. A waitress walks your food a 100 feet and she gets the same tip as a kid who drove miles through a snow storm to drop off a pizza at your front door? What's up with that?

Nice post. I have found though, that stoners don't tip big by accident, it's on purpose. Stoners are generally more generous that others because we have a habit of sharing that which is most prized. Give-and-take is a part of the stoner life.

everything in this article was spot on. I've been a delivery driver for a local pizza joint for about 2 years now. perfect college student job. any of you with a car and want a job where you're always on a smoke break and when there is nothing to do, you do whatever you want (most establishments at least. i know of a few that make you do side work, which sucks).

Also something that hasn't been mentioned yet... delivering to businesses in those corporate buildings. you guys need to realize that if you call on your work line and i try to call you to let me in the building, you better be able to receive that call! I can't wait 10-15 minutes for you to get off your incredibly important sales call. if your building's security is a bit lax, then tell the guard to let the guy with the pizza up to your floor. if not, then answer your phone when i call you!!!

by the way, it's soooo true about stoners. BEST tippers ever! being a bit of a pot-head myself, it's not that we/they can't do the math, it's just generosity. if only the jerks in the gated mansions would take a hit and be generous, too.

also, i am in no way prejudice or a bigot, but the vast majority of black people do not tip. yes, i have had a good amount of exceptions which have come from both rich and poor blacks, but it's more than enough of a majority to perpetuate the stereotype that black people don't tip.

one last thing... and this is another BIG problem that was failed to mention. TURN ON YOUR OUTDOOR LIGHTS! i've wasted countless minutes wandering back and forth from house to house looking like a creep-o because i can't see your address. if you can't turn on the lights or you have something obstructing your address, then give some sort of detail to the cashier like "brick house with ivy" or "white van and blue sedan in driveway." this especially holds true if you live on a street that is faster than 25mph. i can't park and look around your house, so that means i pass it, turn around, pass it yet narrow down to about 3 houses, then pass by one more time because i don't want to slam on my breaks and make your cheese pizza half extra cheese half no cheese.

tl;dr- wtf? go back up and read my comment, you lazy bastard! do you have any idea of how amazing quality of a comment you are missing out on? i mean, come on! it's got comedy, drama, action, and maybe even a love interest! if you've already read my comment and thought it sucked, go back to the top and read it again, because obviously your reading comprehension needs some work. if not, i hate you and you can't come to my birthday party.

tl;dr the tl;dr- fuck i am stoned.

stoners tip big cuz they have low self esteem and they think you will like them better if they pay you. they are 100% correct, but still, the motivation is not generosity, it's inadequacy.

I have always loved the pizza guy. He brings Pizza! However, I can recall one time we had about 6 people over and we ordered pizza and after an hour it never showed up. We were all sitting in the living room talking right next to the front door. So we went outside to see if maybe the poor guy was driving around. There was our pizza sitting on one of our chairs. The delivery guy didn't even knock, further more he left it in the heat shield bag.

We assume that he must have quit.

Haha! This was hysterical!

Ive seen it all working Pizza Delivery in the Montrose area.. From Drag queens to perverted people that come to the door wearing an open robe with a penis pump.. It is true that Stoners and Gays are The best tippers! Lunch Business hours are typically the worst and hardest to put up with.. security gaurds are trash also.. River Oaks probably Averages about 3 bucks and the Stoners/Gays probably around 5.. Also big ups to the Hispanic Community and Apt Complexs.. These people live really poor and dish out better tips then River Oaks.. Yes you Rich people should be embarrased! If you give me a Dollar tip on a credit card receipt please just keep that.. u obviously need it more then me.. and If you ask for change back less then a Dollar.. i dont keep that on me.. Ill most likely give you money for your retardedness.. Thanks

How about rich stoners? How do they tip?

i love being a lifer! i manage a store 32 hours a week and deliver on weekends and game days. i agree with everything this article says, however i have found that the number one way to get a good tip when your late (or broke) is to say "im sorry im late sir but the cooks wanted to send you out a pizza without enough cheese on it, i work for tips and know your not gonna tip me for a pizza with a tiny (or if there young "shitty") bit of cheese on it so i had them remake your pizza" it works every time. my average tip is $2.75 a run, i always take 4 runs at once. which means when im driving i usually make about $12.00 in tips an hour.

Pretty funny...but some of the stuff you say makes you sound like a tool (specifically your excessive use of the word sans)

Nobody gives a fat shit about the pizzaguy. Including my boss. If the cost of paying $20 for .50 worth of food is going to break you, and you have to say "I wish I had more for a tip". Then take your $20 to the grocery store and buy a weeks worth of groceries. You're breath stinks and even though all you care about is putting pizza in your guts, you fail on one important rule, and that is don't be a complete dueschebag. You lose lady! You looooose!!!!! Lol. I needed that! Props.