5 Reasons Why Light Beer Sucks
It seems like most beer companies wage a light beer war via commercials and other advertisements, but to me, that's like saying your poop sandwich is better than their turd sundae. I hate light beer so much that I've brought you five reasons why it's a completely pointless and crappy product that no self-respecting person should purchase.
1) Quantity Does Not Trump Quality
Drinking 15 doesn't make you health-conscious, just an alcoholic. Oh, so you stick to light beer so you can suck down 300 percent more than if you were drinking regular beer at a fraction of the calories? Congratulations, you're now going to die of alcoholism or cirrhosis instead of heart failure. Hooray!
2) It Has No Taste
Real beer aficionados wouldn't touch it with a 10-foot pole. Nobody with good taste genuinely likes light beer to the point that they'd go out of their way to keep it stocked at all times. The people who are regular light beer customers are probably the same folks who order steak well done, spoil movie endings and fart in elevators as soon as they exit -- they ruin everything with their tasteless ways.
3) It's a Poor Alternative to a Poor Alternative
All light beer is a watery, crappier version of an already crappy beer. Miller Light, Bud Lite and Coors Light are calorically scant versions of Miller, Bud and Coors, which are hardly the creme de la creme when it comes to brewskies. There's a reason why Guinness Light flopped as soon as it debuted in 1979 -- it's because Guinness is delicious on its own, and it's sacrilegious to water down perfection.
4) The Commercials Are Enraging
Right now there's a Bud Lite commercial that keeps airing based on their "too strong," "too light" and "just right" tagline. In this particular piece, a woman at a bistro cafe keeps trying to get the waiter's attention while she and her girlfriends are drinking bottles of Bud Lite. First of all, what the hell? Secondly, no. When have you ever seen a group of young, moderately attractive females out on a lunch date at a decent restaurant sucking down Bud Lite as if they're the deep south version of the Sex and the City girls? All light beer commercials seem to waft an air of sophistication out through the TV and into your cerebrum. They should just give up and appeal to their true demographic with commercials that say "Light Beer: Drink 4 cases and shoot at shit while wearing an armor of empty 24-pack boxes."
5) Beer is SUPPOSED to be Enjoyed
Different types of beer exist to suit many different palates, whether you like something dark and chocolatey or summery and citrusy. Whatever your preference, you tend to enjoy what tastes good. If you like a particular beer and want to enjoy it, just drink the damn thing and eat the calorie count. If you have a craving for a milkshake, you don't say "Ooh, I really want a milkshake, but I'll substitute water for the milk and frozen cottage cheese for the ice cream and blend that atrocity together so I can drink a few of them without feeling guilty-wilty about the extra calories." No, of course not. That would make you exceptionally wimpy. You order a milkshake with sprinkles, whipped cream, a cherry on top and a half-tin refill and you suck that bad boy down like a champ. The same goes for beer -- screw the calorie consideration. If it tastes good and you like it, just order and enjoy it, god damnit.